Q: When will I hear back about my urgent medical issue?
A: That's above your pay grade, veteran. Please allow 6-8 weeks for us to route your question to the appropriate department, which will then request that you resubmit your inquiry in triplicate.
Q: Can I speak to someone in charge?
A: Everyone you need to speak to is currently in a meeting, at a conference, on leave, or has just stepped away from their desk. Indefinitely.
Q: Why haven't you responded to my emails, calls, and certified letters?
A: We have a strict policy of reviewing all correspondence thoroughly before responding. Current review timeline: 2-3 fiscal years. Your patience is not appreciated but is expected.
Q: Is there someone who can help me with accountability issues at this facility?
A: Accountability is a complex matter governed by VA Directive 2024-1138.4(b). We recommend consulting the 847-page implementation manual available by FOIA request (processing time: 18-24 months).
Q: What are my rights as a veteran patient?
A: Please see our Patient Bill of Limitations. TL;DR: Very few, and those are subject to change without notice.
Q: Can I file a complaint?
A: Absolutely! Complaints can be filed Monday–Friday, 10:00–10:15 AM, excluding federal holidays, training days, bridge days, morale days, and days ending in 'Y'. Please note: all complaints are immediately filed in the appropriate receptacle.
Q: I've been on hold for three hours. Is anyone actually there?
A: Our hold music is a sign of life. The absence of hold music would be a sign that you've been disconnected. You have been disconnected. Thank you for calling.
Q: The automated system keeps transferring me in circles. How do I reach a human?
A: Step 1: Press 4. Step 2: Press 7. Step 3: Press 2. Step 4: You are now back at the main menu. This is working as intended. Humans are a legacy feature and are being phased out for budget reasons.
Q: My appointment was cancelled with two hours notice. Can I reschedule?
A: Yes. Your next available appointment is in approximately 5 months. We recommend not having any additional health issues in the interim. That's really on you at this point.
Q: I submitted a form three months ago. What's its status?
A: All forms submitted prior to this fiscal year are currently under initial review. To check the status of your form, please submit Form VA-STATUS-77B (Request to Inquire About Form Status), which requires approval via Form VA-STATUS-77A (Permission to Request Form Status). Current processing time: one fiscal year per page.
Q: Is the parking lot at Perry Point always this confusing?
A: Yes. The parking lot layout was designed by the same team responsible for our phone menu system. Getting lost in both is considered a feature. It builds character, which we understand veterans already have plenty of.
Q: Do you have a patient advocate I can speak to?
A: We do! Our Patient Advocate is available by appointment only. To schedule an appointment with the Patient Advocate, please contact our scheduling office by phone. The scheduling office phone is monitored on alternating Tuesdays. This is not one of them.