Perry Point VA Medical Center

*All rights subject to administrative convenience, staff availability, current training schedules, federal holidays, and whether Mercury is in retrograde

1. Right to Wait: You have the absolute, inalienable right to wait indefinitely for appointments, callbacks, and responses. This right cannot be waived, transferred, or exchanged for anything useful.
2. Right to Remain Silent: You may ask questions, but we reserve the right not to answer them. Ever. Silence from our end should not be interpreted as agreement, acknowledgment, or awareness that you exist.
3. Right to Paperwork: Every interaction — no matter how simple — requires a minimum of 7 forms, each referencing 3 other forms you don't have. You have the right to obtain those forms by submitting a form requesting them.
4. Right to Be Transferred: Your call is important to us, which is why we'll transfer you to at least 6 different departments before disconnecting. Each transfer resets your place in the queue. This is a feature.
5. Right to Vague Explanations: Any information provided will be sufficiently ambiguous to require follow-up questions. Those follow-up questions will not be answered. The ambiguity is by design.
6. Right to Policy Citations: Instead of solutions, you'll receive references to obscure policy sections written in impenetrable bureaucratic language. Requesting a plain-English translation will require Form VA-PLAIN-001.
7. Right to "We'll Look Into It": This phrase, when spoken by any Perry Point representative, is legally binding confirmation that nothing will be looked into. It is our most frequently deployed response.
8. Right to Be Told to Use the Website: Staff are authorized — encouraged, in fact — to redirect any in-person or phone inquiry to our website, regardless of whether the website contains the relevant information (it does not).
9. Right to Surrender: You may give up at any time. In fact, we're counting on it. Our entire operational model depends on it. Please do not ruin this for us.
10. Right to Appeal: You may appeal any decision made by this facility. Appeals are reviewed by the same department that made the original decision. They have reviewed your appeal. They stand by their original decision. The appeal process has concluded. Good day.

By seeking care at Perry Point VA Medical Center, you acknowledge that accountability is a myth, transparency is overrated, your frustration is our mission accomplishment, and your signature on this form constitutes waiver of any right not explicitly listed above — and some that are.