Breaking
Patient waits 6 months for callback, receives wrong number ★
New voicemail system upgraded to ignore calls in HD ★
Staff achieves 100% inbox capacity for third consecutive quarter — record broken ★
Complaint box found full; replaced with smaller box ★
Leadership completes 3-day training on how to schedule training ★
Parking lot redesign adds 14 new dead ends, zero new spaces ★
Website FAQ updated to include question "Why isn't this updated?" — answer: still pending ★
Office of Accountability closed for lack of accountability; no one held accountable for this ★
New form introduced requiring veteran to certify they have read all previous forms ★
"On Hold" music upgraded to 14-minute loop; veteran reports reaching enlightenment by hour three ★
News & Updates
Stay informed about our latest achievements in bureaucratic excellence
Perry Point Achieves Record 47-Day Response Time to Urgent Patient Inquiry
November 15, 2025
In a stunning display of bureaucratic efficiency, Perry Point VA Medical Center has set a new facility record by responding to an urgent patient medical inquiry in just 47 days. "We're really proud of this achievement," said Chief Non-Response Officer Dr. Patricia Evasion. "Usually we don't respond at all, so 47 days represents a quantum leap forward in our communication strategy." A ribbon-cutting ceremony was held in the break room. Veterans were not invited. There was cake.
New Policy: All Complaints Must Be Submitted in Triplicate, Then Ignored
October 28, 2025
Effective immediately, patient complaints must be submitted in triplicate using Form VA-9987-C (Request to File Complaint Form), which requires approval via Form VA-9987-B (Permission to Request Form). Once approved and submitted, all complaints will be processed according to our new streamlined protocol: immediate disposal. "This represents a significant improvement," noted Director of Deflection Col. Bureaucrat. "Previously, we pretended to read them first."
Staff Training Day Focuses on Advanced Excuse Generation
October 12, 2025
Perry Point staff participated in a mandatory 8-hour training session on cutting-edge excuse generation techniques. Highlights included workshops on "Creative Uses of 'System Downtime,'" "Blaming Other Departments: A Masterclass," and "The Art of the Non-Committal Response." The facility will be closed for the next three weeks as staff practice their newly acquired skills on one another in a safe environment.
Perry Point Introduces 'Don't Ask, Won't Tell' Healthcare Initiative
September 30, 2025
Building on decades of communication avoidance, Perry Point has formalized its approach with the new "Don't Ask, Won't Tell" healthcare initiative. "We've always operated this way informally," explained VP of Circular Reasoning Sandra Runaround, "but now it's official policy. Veterans are encouraged not to ask questions, and we promise we definitely won't tell them anything useful." The initiative has been described by leadership as "a natural evolution" and by veterans as "yes, we know."
Accountability Office Shuts Down Due to Lack of Accountability
September 8, 2025
In a move surprising no one, Perry Point's Office of Accountability has been permanently closed due to a complete absence of accountability. "We tried to find someone responsible for oversight, but everyone kept pointing to someone else," said Chief of Perpetual Training Harold Unavailable, reached briefly by accident when someone dialed a wrong extension. "Eventually we just gave up." The office will be converted into additional storage space for unfiled paperwork, of which there is no shortage.
New Voicemail System Features 97 Transfer Options, Zero Humans
August 22, 2025
Perry Point has upgraded its phone system to include 97 different automated transfer options, ensuring that no caller will ever speak to an actual person. "We've eliminated the inefficiency of human interaction," announced Dr. Evasion proudly. "Now veterans can be endlessly transferred between recorded messages without the risk of accidentally receiving assistance." The new system also features a "callback" option that schedules a call for two weeks from now and then does not make it.
Parking Lot Renovation Adds 14 New Dead Ends
July 4, 2025
After an 8-month, $2.3 million renovation project, Perry Point's parking lot has been redesigned to include 14 new dead ends, 3 entrances that lead directly to exits, and a one-way system that loops veterans back to the street they came from. "We really wanted to capture the spirit of the facility as a whole," said the project lead. Net new parking spaces: zero. Veterans are encouraged to arrive on foot, by bus, or not at all.
Website FAQ Section Updated for First Time Since 2019
June 18, 2025
In a historic development, Perry Point's website FAQ has been updated for the first time in six years. Among the changes: three broken links have been replaced with two different broken links, the address listed is now only one digit wrong, and the "Contact Us" page now correctly states that the listed phone number "may or may not be monitored." Leadership has called the update "a major milestone." The update took 14 months of committee review and still has a typo in the heading.
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